TESTIMONIES
by Fire Captain/Pastor Steve Ballinger
When I was young I was given a picture of Jesus. The picture showed Jesus standing at a door and knocking. I always kept that picture in a dresser drawer or a shoe box, but I would never put it out in the open. Whenever I was having difficult times, I would take the picture out, look at it, say a little prayer, and then put it away. I didn't want to deal with Him on a daily basis, but only when I couldn't handle things myself. Every time I would overhaul my bedroom, at my mother’s demanding, I would always come across this picture of Jesus. I would throw it in my trash can, but would always end up pulling it back out and putting it in my shoe box. Time after time I would throw Him away, and time after time I would take Him back. I just felt guilty throwing this nice man away.
In 1970 I married a girl for all the wrong reasons. I figured that I was wise and clever enough to handle marriage and any problem that came with it. Isaiah 5:21 says, "Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and clever in their own sight." I soon found out that I could not solve every problem like I had imagined. We fought constantly. I started lusting after other women to the point of actually committing adultery. I was a total louse.
In 1974 my wife and I started attending a small Baptist church. After a few months we both accepted the Lord. I was to find out years later that I had accepted Jesus in my head, but not my heart. I knew of Him, but I did not know Him. If I did know Him, I certainly didn't honor Him. Romans 2:21-22 says, "For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God, or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise they became fools." I soon went right back into my old routine. I had lustful eyes, I hit the bars, and I treated my wife with no respect. Even though I was a first-class jerk, I always felt the Lord watching me and telling me that I was not making Him happy.
My life was so miserable and depressing that I literally had a death-wish. I had been on the fire department for about 5 years at this time, and I literally began to pray that I would die while fighting a fire or rescuing someone. In fact, I looked forward to the fires hoping that this might be the one where I would die. The Lord answered my prayer, but Praise God, not completely. In 1977 I came very near to drowning in a water canal while attempting to rescue 3 youngsters who had fallen in during a heavy rain storm. As I was being forced under the water, I began to cry out to God. I realized then that I didn't really want to die. God had heard me and He rescued me. He answered my call, but I didn't change my ways. Three months later my wife and I separated, and shortly after that we were divorced.
It would be close to three years before settling down again. I lived with a woman off and on, hit the bars like crazy, and tried to convince myself that I was having a good time. I moved from place to place quite a bit during these three years. Every time I packed or unpacked I always came across this picture of Jesus knocking on a door. I'd throw it away, but always ended up retrieving it.
My life was still the pits. I had figured for sure that once I divorced, things would get better. I just knew the grass was greener on the other side. Yet, I couldn't find my greener grass no matter how hard I tried. Oh how I wish I had know what Proverbs 16:25 had to say, "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death."
My relationships never lasted; I had fallen out with my family; my sons lived 100 miles from me; I was going nowhere with the fire department; and I was in trouble with the law. I was becoming a very hard-hearted person. I was imprisoned with feelings of anger, bitterness, resentfulness, hatefulness, self-pity, and was totally miserable and unhappy. I didn't know what to do. All I knew was that I would never again allow myself to be used and abused by people.
In September 1980 the Lord brought a lovely girl into my life, and in December 1980 we were married by a judge at the court house during his lunch break. Only three months of knowing each other and the knot was tied. Shortly after our marriage, we packed our things and moved into our present home. While unpacking, I came across this picture of Jesus knocking on a door. I threw it away, but once again retrieved it.
My wife was now my motivation in life. She gave me the desire to want to excel in all that I did. Within a year I was promoted to captain on the Fire Department. Yet, I was being a jerk in the way that I treated her and hers sons. I was coming very close to blowing it once again.
My wife had been attending church for a few weeks and accepted the Lord in June of 1982. I wasn't to find this out until later. She tried occasionally to get me to go to church with her, but I didn't think I needed it. Besides, there was no way I was going to sit through a church service for two hours.
By September of 1982 things weren't going well with my wife and I. Nor were they going well between my ex-wife and I. I remember getting in such an argument with my ex-wife (over the phone) that had she lived in town, I honestly had thoughts of killing her. I had totally lost control. I was filled with such hatred and anger that it actually scared me to see the way I was, much less have my wife and her sons seeing me act this way.
I knew then that I needed help. My wife couldn't help me. No one could help me. My fantasy world was beginning to collapse and come to an end. I had to face reality, and I knew that God was all I had left. I turned to Him, but once again not totally.
I remember being at work one night and talking to my wife on the phone. It wasn't a real enjoyable conversation. I was having such a struggle trying to be a Christian and trying to be one of the guys at the same time. I was beginning to feel like a hypocrite. I told my wife that I could not continue to turn myself on and off like a light switch (referring to my Christian life), and that I was considering giving up this christianity stuff.
After our conversation, I remember going into my bedroom and flipping the light switch off. My light would not go off. I flipped the switch over and over again, and nothing happened. I could not turn my light off. My light stayed on. Remembering what I had just said on the phone, I began to get a little nervous. I then went into my office and was standing at my desk, thinking about what had just taken place in my bedroom. While standing there the light in my office went out. I flipped the light switch on, but my light remained off. Total darkness! I was no longer nervous, now I was downright scared. I knew that it had to be God speaking to me, but I wasn't sure what He was saying.
It didn't take me long to realize what He was trying to tell me. By morning I came to understand what God was trying to tell me. 1 John 1:5-6 tells us, "God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth." God was telling me that I could either live in total darkness or in total light, but I couldn't have it both ways. He didn't want me to be lukewarm. He was letting me know that I had a decision to make. I could choose to live for God or I could choose to continue living for the world. I chose then to live for God.
I have been a Christian now for 22 years. My only regret is that I waited so long. I have since left the fire department and am presently an associate pastor. However, I still consider myself a firefighter in the spiritual sense of the word.
Oh yes, about that picture of Jesus Christ knocking on a door. I now realize what door He had been knocking on all those years. Jesus says, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come into him, and dine with him, and he with me" (Revelation 3:20). It took me 33 years to open the door for Him.
That picture is no longer in a box. It's now hanging on the wall of my study for all to see. I know that He is no longer on the outside knocking. He's on the inside, cleansing me, teaching me, and using me for His purpose and His glory. Thank You Jesus! |
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