"The Problem with Marriage"
The Bible makes it clear that God loves and wants to bless the family. After all, the family is the order that God established for humanity. Yet, from its very inception in the Garden of Eden, Satan has tried to destroy it.

Obsession with Self 

One way Satan has tried to wreck God’s family ideal is through our selfish desires. This is especially evident in our world today. We are encouraged to abandon our commitments and responsibilities in order to find ourselves.

We are told to give to a certain cause so that we can feel good about ourselves. We are taught that we need to have a healthy self-esteem. Concepts like sacrifice, selflessness, and keeping one’s commitment are rarely heard of today. Not surprisingly, Paul lists radical self-centeredness and self-indulgence first among the traits of people living in the last days in 2 Timothy 3:2.

We often carry this me first mentality into our marriages. We say things like, “I will marry this person for what they will do for me.” Or we go into marriage thinking that it will make us happy and bring us fulfillment.

A good marriage is not based so much upon finding the right person as it is being the right person.

A Different Standard 

As Christians, we must abandon this worldly and destructive type of thinking. God has called us to a different standard—a higher level of living. He has called us to a new way of thinking and behaving, to “. . . live a life worthy of the calling you have received . . . and put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and truth” (Ephesians 4:1,24).

We cannot think as this world thinks or act as it acts. God says to “come out from [the world] and be separate” (2 Corinthians 6:17). And Scripture warns, “Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into its mold . . .” (Romans 12:1 Phillips).

If we want our marriages to not only survive, but flourish, we must get back to God’s original design for marriage . . .

We must put obedience to God and the needs of our spouse above our own.

Consider the words of Philippians 2:2-3:

“[Be] like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.”

If every married couple did that alone, our homes would be transformed overnight! Obviously, there are certain obstacles or problems we must face in the marriage relationship if we are to reach that point. The main problem goes clear back to the Garden of Eden.

The Consequences of the Fall on Marriage
Read Genesis 3:14-19

Prior to this passage, Eve had eaten of the forbidden fruit and shared it with her husband, thus bringing a curse upon humanity. We face a number of consequences today as a result.

1. The Curse of Death (v. 19)

Up to this point, man would not have died or faced illness and the aging process. Yet, because of this sin, the curse of sickness, a limited life span and the ultimate termination of life on earth began. God had previously warned:

“But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die” (Genesis 2:17).

2. Pain in Child bearing (v. 16a)

The wonderful joy of giving birth to a child would now have the added dimension of physical pain.

3. Strenuous Word (v. 19)

Prior to the fall, Adam’s job description was primarily to discover and enjoy what God had made. Now man would have to labor hard and long to make a living.

4. Strife and Selfishness in Marriage (v. 16b)

After Eve’s fall in the garden (which resulted from her failure to consult with Adam about the serpent’s temptation and her disobedience to God), the Lord had something very important to say:

“Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” (v. 16b)

After Adam and Eve sinned, the battle of the sexes began! The understanding of the word “desire” in verse 16 will make this point even clearer. This word is the identical Hebrew word used in Genesis 4:7, where God tells Cain, “And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it.”

This term comes from an Arabic root that means “to compel, impel, urge, or seek control over.” Sin wanted to master Cain, but God commanded Cain to master sin.

• The Beginning of Women’s Desire for Liberation.
  In light of this definition of the word “desire,” the curse on Eve was that woman’s desire henceforth would be to usurp the place of man’s headship—and that he would resist that desire and would rule over her.
• The Start of Male Chauvinism.
  The Hebrew word for “rule” in verse six is not the same word used by God in Genesis 1:28 when he tells Adam to subdue the earth. Instead, it represents a new word of authoritarianism that was not in God’s original plan for man’s headship.

With the fall and its curse came the distortion of woman’s proper submissiveness and man’s proper authority.

At this point in history, women’s liberation and male chauvinism came into existence! Women have a sinful inclination to usurp the authority of men, and men have a sinful inclination to put women under their feet.

The Root of the Problem: Self

The problems most married people face could be summed up in one simple word: Self.

The origins of sin and selfishness, coupled with a desire to concentrate on our own needs and wants, all started here at the fall. Sin creates a false hunger, not for communion and fellowship with God, but for individuality of a destructive nature.

You might say, “Well, that’s human nature. There’s nothing we can do to change that.” But there is. God can give us a new nature to be the husbands and wives—and the mothers and fathers—we need to be.

The Source of the Solution: the Holy Spirit
Read Ephesians 5:18-21

Ephesians chapter five is known as the chapter on the Christian family. It is here that we learn about the role of husbands, wives, parents and children. It is worth noting, however, that before a single word is said about submission or leadership, we are told of a power that will enable us to do that: God’s Holy Spirit.

“Be Filled With the Spirit.” (v. 19)

#1. This is a command.

In the original Greek, this sentence is not simply an exhortation; it is a command. Before specific family roles are defined, we have this prerequisite. In other words, for a Christian marriage to succeed, both parties must realize that they cannot follow their God-given roles in their own strength. They can only accomplish this in and through Jesus by the power of His Holy Spirit.

#2. This needs to be a continuous action.

When we think of the filling of the Holy Spirit, we often think of Pentecost, the gift of tongues, miracles, or bold preaching. When Paul tells us that we must be filled with the Spirit, he is not speaking of a constant state of euphoria or some emotional experience. He speaks of a moment to moment submission to the Spirit’s control. The verb “be filled” in the original Greek speaks of a continuous action.

We cannot rely upon a past filling, nor can we live in expectation of a future filling. We need a present filling.

Likewise, the mark of a good marriage is not the love and devotion the husband and wife had in the past (as wonderful as that may have been). Nor is it the love and devotion they hope to have in the future (though that is a great goal). The strength of their marriage is in the love and devotion they have for each other in the present.

“Submit to One Another in the Fear of God”

As I am continually being filled with the Spirit, I am then able to move on to the next step: submission to one another in the fear of God. Before a word is said about husbands loving their wives as Christ loved the church, and wives submitting to their husbands, we are told that both husband and wife are to submit to one another in the fear of God.

The word submit is not a popular word in our narcissitic culture today. It is perceived as giving up our rights and being a doormat for someone to walk on. The word used for submit here means “to get in order under something.” In a military sense, it means to rank beneath or to rank under.

A husband’s submission to his wife does not mean that he abdicates his responsibility of leadership in the home, but that he helps her to bear his burdens. He gets underneathto help carry her cares. He is always ready to meet her needs and to sacrifice his own desires for what helps fulfill those needs. And the wife is ready to do the same for her husband.

In a marriage, we all must submit at some point. God is in charge, first and foremost. Then the wives are called to submit to the loving leadership of their husbands. And husbands are to bow to the needs of their wives. God’s order of priority for your life is God first, family second, and your career and/or ministry third—not the other way around.

The issue is not superiority or inferiority. It is about sacrifice. It is about your mate. Most importantly, it is about obedience to God. Remember, we submit to one another in the fear of God.

Something to Think About...

• Are you willing to place your spouse's needs and wants above your own?
• Are you willing to make whatever sacrifice is necessary to make your marriage what God wants it to be?
• Are you willing—without reservation—to do what the Bible tells you to do?

If you are, you can begin by praying that God would fill you with His Holy Spirit so that you can be the husband or wife He wants you to be. Then submit to one another in the fear of God. Your life and marriage will never be the same.

Part III